~ THE HUMMER....OUT NOW IN 3D !!!

So I decided to demystify any myths or legends about my girl.. the “HUMMER”

She was “born” in what is presently Kyoto, Japan in the year 1979. Was the favorite of a humble Chinese merchant who later, as fate would have it ship it to his best friend kin Nairobi Kenya.. Oloo Senior. Oloo senior would later cruise with it, even going to as far as The Kenya – Uganda Border with her. She is as strong today as she was then

 

Fast forward… the year is 2011, she is now the alter ego of one Leica, charming fellow. So, yes, I decided to make you this “Hummer Cheat Sheet”..you know, it has been said, if you sit on the driver seat the wrong way she may not start…others even say that before you turn the key in the ignition you have to sing “Lady” by Modjo or else she won’t start. Others have gone ahead to say that she is the remaining descendant of “Bumblebee” from the “Transformers “.

 

But here she is….my girl..

 1. The Hummer does not run or rocket fuel..though she can do zero to 80 kmph in under 10 seconds..she is just fine like that.

2. Her interior is not made of actual leopard skin...at least that's what my lawyer told me to say..


3. due to her unique aerodynamic design, on a good day the hummer can get lift and clear about 3 inches of the ground..yaa Einstein, you were wrong!!!

4. The Hummer does not have a voice activated ignition module..but it wont start if it doesn't like the drivers cologne, height, hair color etc. in short..she doesn't let anyone drive her unless you have shaven head, charming smile, you are a photographer and you occasionally wear glasses..and your middle name is Leica..PERIOD!!

 5. On Occasion, she will periodically Show you have a full tank when you only have a drop..forcing you to quench her thirst and throw a tantrum.

that's enough from the world of the Hummer. She can be seen every other day along Mombasa road, Ngong road or any other high way, flying past you Land Rover Vogues and Lexus.....The Hummer baby...

..CLOUDY, WITH A CHANCE OF "CHICKEN"..

..I stared into her eyes..those beady eyes. And it was just me and her. As my brain tried to fathom the situation, my heart tried to make its way from my stomach. It hasn’t beat that fast since that day I overtook that Land Rover vogue on Lang’ata road…adrenaline. My eye still twitches.

But here we are now. She is making uneasy strides, trying to find her footing. The trauma clearly has passed for her, me on the other hand…well, am still me. This is down town Nairobi, I mean, you don’t see her kind here not unless you are in a restaurant. But she was here. And to think she almost crushed me falling from where ever!!!

So I look up, and no one seems to be the least bit interested in her. So I just edge off, clearly, missed a bullet..again. as if on cue, she makes a ran for it, I could have sworn she had a smile on her face, as to say “I am freeeee” . what in blazes is a chicken doing running around in the middle of the city center. If I had passed by a few seconds earlier, that chicken could have crushed me…not really me, but my self esteem. Can you imagine, someone asking me, “Ohh, so where did you get those scratches on your face??” and me replying..” It was a wild chicken. And I think it had rabies”. Not!!! But, am just glad I walked away with nothing more than adrenaline withdrawal and distaste for anything with feathers.

“Lancelot, I am going to kill you!!!”. Am chasing after our dog and he in turn chasing our cat, Chowder. Don’t ask me about the names, I love cartoons, so who doesn’t. I don’t need to explain myself to you!!. Chowder scampers away and athletically climbs a wall, and does that hissing thing cats do. Lancelot is just below it and barking ferociously. I get to where they are and Lance just looks at me, with those big brown eyes, and I am not mad at him anymore. He always gets me with those eyes!! From that time he chewed off one side of my trousers, to when he always pees on the Hummers’ wheels when I get home, even when he steals my socks from the line, he has a power over me and I think he knows it. There is just no getting mad at that dog. Biscuit on the other hand, I feel no love, that dog is the embodiment of psychosis. Can’t count the number of times I had to go change in the morning just because of him jumping on me with those paws. And then there is Spot, the lady. She never seems to bother with Chowder, but occasionally likes chasing bicycles salesmen. One big crazy family.

It seems everyone is getting married. Great news all round, I know those are photography gigs right there. So get married, go ahead!!! But m happy for my pals, I wish them happiness, good health and tolerable in-laws. Am off to take the sunset at my favorite spot, so I won’t leave you with any insightful quotes or epiphany moments..just to tell you this, enjoy life més amis.

..TOO FAST..MAYBE NOT FURIOUS ..

“That’s a nasty cough she has…I think its pneumonia”..Peter said with a serious look on his face. Peter has been our doctor for a while now, and he knew her batter than anyone. Man, just fixed her arthritis the other day. Poor girl.
“Do what you have too, just make her better.” I told Peter.

A few hours later am roaring with her on Mombasa road, oohhh she feels sooo good. My Hummer, my number one lass. Am doing 130 kilometers an hour now and she’s rattling violently, well, maybe today I wont break the sound barrier, so I just ease off. I make my way to Nakumatt Junction and there is a frenzy of cars, and no parking, sucks!! You never really appreciate your old 1970 Toyota until when it can fit in the only open parking space that no other car could fit…so I squeeze it in between that over sized mascot elephant and this Chrysler, and I could feel the jealous glares from the other drivers, sun baked, roasting in their cars and sweating to their knickers.

Now am back at the road again, windows rolled down, cruising baby. Trust the Universe again to mess it all up, and it seems it has joined alliances with Mother Nature coz this fly gets into the hummer and am in mortal combat with it. Ooh this fly is good!! Its ducking all my death chops and krav maga moves. Its on now!! The hummer is swaying on the road now and I cant really seem to concentrate on the road and trying to deliver the death blow to this deranged fly. I land the blow, in almost perfect execution, an the fly is no more. It was a worthy opponent.

This time, I overtake this Vitz, and the driver would have none of that. She swerves in front of me again, almost telling the hummer she aint got what it takes. Clearly, this driver doesn’t know who she is messing with, I unleash the full power of the hummer, and speed past her again, and all I could see on my rear view mirror was her look of disbelief as the hummer blazes ahead. What a gal.

In life we are all met with that annoying fly in the car, that seems so insignificant but yet you employ all you take to crush it or that Vitz that pushes you to your limit and you have to prove yourself when you absolutely don’t have too. Humility people, is the words of the day.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER BEES ....

First week of January, and I must admit, it still hasn’t sunk in that I am in the New Year. So, went to Mombasa and Lamu for my holidays, and funny how most “clubs” and “resorts” had end year shings, the ooh so cliché beach parties and yet they didn’t have a beach in the first place. But Mombasa is simply amazing, it’s like their days comprise of 28 hours while the rest of us poor saps have the normal one. Life is slow and good, and the best part is…you (ladies included, sic) get to walk around bare chest and nobody gives you as much as a look. Life was good.

Fast forward to the start of the week. Now, my hummer, being the drama queen she always is, refused to start. My complimentary gestures of how awesome she is and the good wipe down and waxing didn’t help at all. She just wouldn’t start!!! Had to elicit the help of a pro, so I called my mech, Peter. After a hard look, he translated what the Hummer was trying to communicate..”I am out of fuel, you Idiot ”. A trip to the gas station latter and she came to life. Could the day get any better than that…apparently not…

So I am somewhere along Ngong road and it is hard not to notice everyone is staring at my freakishly long goatee…mmmh. Oh well, crossing the road, I think to myself…maybe I could dye it blonde, naaa…bzzzz..STING!!…pain, pain, more pain…few drops of pee…pain!!! Out of no where, this giant bee (I swear it was like the size of a basketball) stings me on the nose!!! I am temporarily blinded on the right side of my face, and warm moisture flows from my eyes..it is important to note at this time that it was not tears…but am walking aimlessly, disoriented and the cars hooting at me aren’t helping the situation. I get to the other side and blindly make my way to this lady..who sort of resembled this cross eyed nurse who repeatedly missed my vain at this hospital…and asked her to pull the sting out from my nose. She was modified!! Eventually she worked up some courage and pulled it out.

If you ever have been stung by a bee, you would know the pain doesn’t stop there. The poison is now spreading through my nose, and I am drooling like a sick dog, and have the oddest craving for pickles…I eventually get to a pharmacy and get some anti-histamine. Bee 1 – Man 0.

We all have the unexpected bee sting to the nose that reminds us that some misfortunes, however unpredictable, are inevitable. But it’s how you come out of it that really matters. I may have gotten a war wound that I will in avertedly show off to my grand kids, but I got a valuable lesson about life…that it is twisted!!!